In my introduction post, I mentioned that I would share what finally brought me to a true, real relationship with Jesus. Here is where Jesus broke through my heart and showed me all that there was for me.
As I mentioned, it was at first a gradual development of our relationship. Looking back on things, I can see that He began working in my heart in very quiet and subtle ways, so much so that I didn’t realize that it was happening actually, as far back as high school.
So after a few years of slow development that isn’t that interesting to write about, I went on a retreat (one that I had made before) with the Sisters of Life. And there was a turning point during this weekend that I can clearly state is when my heart broke open, a point from which there is no turning back, a point from when I finally have ears to hear and eyes to see.
I went to Confession (DUN-DUN-DUUUNNN, cue fear and anxiety). Yep, Confession bestowed such a humongous amount of grace that I will never be the same.
I came home from retreat to report to my husband that this was the weirdest confession I had ever had in my life. (I will say that my tally of confessions was not that long at this point. I had not even been going yearly, so there’s that.) Anyway, it wasn’t the admitting of my sins that was weird, it was the rest of our conversation. The best way to explain it is that I felt that I was in a theology exam that I hadn’t studied for.
So my confession was with a Franciscan Friar of the Renewal, named Father Gabriel. The first thing he says to me – do I know you? Uh, no, we just met 5 seconds ago. So that was a weird way to start considering I was already anxious. Now, this guy is on fire with the Holy Spirit, and I think that his energy totally through me for a loop. I was uncomfortable and disquieted in his presence.
So we began chatting about where I went to college and what I studied. Small talk I imagine to make me feel more comfortable but I just wanted to get on with it. So I gave him my list of sins. That was easy and over quickly.
And then he said to me, but these things are not what is troubling you. What is really troubling you? And my heart exploded and the tears were like torrents. Because he was right, there was more troubling me. Too much to explain here.
As we spoke, he said words of consolation to me that wouldn’t mean anything to another person. There were meant specifically for me from Jesus. And in that small room I knew, FINALLY, that I was loved personally and thoroughly by Jesus.
I left that room feeling completely stripped down and vulnerable – one of the most embarrassing and uncomfortable feelings I have ever felt. And then slowly that feeling gave way to calm and peace.
As I write this, the power of that moment washes over me and fills my eyes with tears. I am overwhelmed by emotion at the mere thought of that moment.
As I reflect on this, I see now that nothing is an accident. God had been preparing me for that moment and set up everything to get me there. In that room my life changed. I finally knew God. The emptiness I had always unconsciously felt, the feeling that there must be something more was finally revealed to me and filled with Love.
So moral of the story – Get to Confession ASAP! But I’ll pray that you don’t have a theology exam during it.
